Dear John (Toothaker DMD)
This will come as a surprise to you but, there’s no other way to say it other than, we’re through! Why, you ask? The list is lengthy so you sit back in your cold dentist chair, angled at 135° with your bright light shining in your eyes for a change and try to read this.
First, your name is ridiculous! Who ever heard of a dentist whose last name is Toothaker? I mean, really? You can’t be serious. That’s as bad as being called, Dr. Pimple if you are a dermatologist, or Dr. Fungus if you are a podiatrist. It comes down to, “It’s all in a name” and yours speaks volumes, of which I no longer want to peruse.
When fantasies of your partner drastically change, it’s time to call it quits so we need to be done! In the beginning, when I thought of you, I fantasized about dancing white teeth with smiley faces singing choruses of, All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth while we did the two-step. Now, after spending a lot of time with you, I have replaced that picture with a horrifying image of you with your hand in my mouth up to your elbow while the song, Love Bites is screeching in the background. You don’t know how close you are to needing a rabies shot with this image in my head.
Your lack of training in the linguistics field is rubbing me the wrong way and I need to get out of our relationship before I do something we will both regret. How many times did you tell me, “It will only sting a little,” only to have a shock equal to electrocution surge through my jaw? I’m glad you’re not an OB-GYN because I’d hate to hear what you compare with child birth. And, speaking of pain, if there is such a place as Purgatory, I hope that part of your punishment is having someone cram plastic squares the size of saltine crackers between your gum and cheek and then ordering you to hold absolutely still while you have x-rays combat your skull.
Our communication skills suck now, too. When we first got together, we had light, bubbly banter but now, the only time you ask me anything is when you have put two or more tools in my mouth. I guess you didn’t like what I had to say because you have almost sucked up my tongue from the back, forward with your vacuum tool many times. Also, do you not know sarcasm when you hear it? When I asked if I could borrow your suction tool to clean the Persian rugs in my apartment, I wasn’t asking you a serious question. Duh!
Your expectations in the financial area are absurd, too. Instead of forking out some c-notes and showing me a good time, I have to pay YOU to listen to an orchestrated series of music that include the sound of drills on two different octaves. The last straw was when you said you’d throw in a score of dental scraping sounds for free. Are you kidding me?
John Toothaker, DMD, we’re done. No more dressing me up with cotton in my cheeks to make me look like a chipmunk. No more spays of air on my drilled teeth (and, yes, I heard you giggle the last time you did it!) No more taking bets with your hygienists on how long I can go without swallowing the saliva that gathers in the back of my mouth.
Don’t try to contact me from this day forward and don’t worry, there will always be someone else out there waiting to fill that great cavity you have in your heart.
Your molar opposite,
Susan
The Boy Who Cried and Cried and Cried
An Unstable Fable
SCENE ONE – No scenery (Countryside will be up)
Wyatt – You guys listening to this music with me has me so hyper! I’m
going to stay up all night!
“Mom” – Oh no you aren’t! Get in bed! Now!
Wyatt – Ah. I’m not tired.
“Mom” – Get a book out and read for a bit but you ARE going to sleep
Wyatt – (We’ll see about that!) OK, Mom! Little Boy opens story book.
SCENE TWO – Countryside
Rhymin’ Simon- Rhymin’ Simon is my name.
Spreading news is my game.
Step right up and hear the story.
Of the crying, crying, and crying boy. (crying)
Boy – Hey! I can’t help it if I’m a sensitive lad.
RSimon – Don’t be so “defensitive!” Anyway, as I was saying before I was interrupted:
There once was a boy with issues
Who went through full boxes of tissues
The people would sigh
And wonder, “Now why?”
What’s the current problem with you?
Village People/Sheep? – That’s what we want to know!
Boy – (Sigh – hold contract) My contract says I’ve got to cry, “Wolf” but I’m too afraid to do it! (cry) I read the end of the story and it doesn’t go well for me. I don’t want to become something that gets wolfed down. (Cry)
Village person/Sheep? (sock puppet) – If you don’t cry, “Wolf”, we don’t get to be in this play and we’re in violation of our contract. We need the chance to star in this play to get paid and to possibly make it to Howl-e-wood.
RSimon – So the villagers began to plot and plan.
They needed a way out of this jam.
So they quickly called in a sheep or two
To help stop this boy from going boo, hoo, hoo.
Song – Beep, Bee, I’m a sheep.
Transition –
“Mom” – Wyatt! What in the world are you doing in there?
Wyatt – I’m reading a story.
“Mom” – That doesn’t sound like reading! You need to go to sleep!
Wyatt – I can’t!
“Mom” – How about if you count sheep?
Wyatt – That’s a good idea! I’ll count sheep. How about all of you
helping me to count sheep? I don’t want to get into trouble,
so help! Ok?
First Verse of Lambaba, 1-10 and a duck.
Wyatt lies down to try and sleep but as soon as the show continues, he pops back up!
SCENE THREE – Tight House
RSimon – So the boy worried all through the night
That the wolf would come and take a bite.
He wandered around, not seeing a mouse.
Then he found someone at the Tight House.
Hail to the Chief
Boy – Who are you?
Abralamb – (talks like a sheep) I’m Abralamb Lincoln (Hail to the chief again) and this is my home, the Tight House. Yes, I know it’s a small but it’s ga-lambeous.
Boy: What kind of leadersheep is this? Your constituents are in for a sheepwreck.
Abralamb – Don’t change the subject, You’re supposed to be watching me and my wooly pals.
Boy: The farmer that owns you guys is a real sheep-skate, and, besides, watching you all is really boring. All you guys do is bah, bah, bah!
Abra-lamb – Well, that’s no different than you going, “Wah, wah, wah!”
Boy – I can’t believe you would be so in-human….(crying)
Abra-lamb – I’m a sheep, not a human, ok? … You know, if all I had to do was watch a bunch of sheep all day, I think I’d have a wonderful life. Instead, all we get to do is watch you whining all the time. The least you can do is take us to the “Bah, bah shop” regularly so that we can get some of this wool off our backs.”
Boy – That joke makes me want to cry – wah, wah, wah,
Abra-lamb – What doesn’t? Aren’t you supposed to be crying, “Wolf” instead of just crying?
Boy – No! I refuse! I’ve read this story before and I know that if I keep crying, “Wolf,” he will eventually show up and eat me. So, logic tells me that if I don’t cry, “Wolf,” it won’t happen.
Abra-lamb – (Opens contract) Just so you know, it’s part of your sheep-watching contract that you are to cry, “Wolf” at least once every 24 hours.
Boy – (Opens another contract) Yeah, and it’s also part of my contract that you wooly flea-bags don’t give them to me. Instead, I have to wear this flea collar, at my own expense!
Abra-lamb – Don’t get so bent out of sheep, a few fleas won’t hurt you.
Boy – I ought to just pick up the phone and call that ferocious wolf right now and invite him for lamb chops.
Abra-lamb – What? Eat me? Abra-lamb Lincoln (Hail to the chief) ? That’s absurd! There’s probably a president against doing that.
Boy – Your jokes are killing me…wah, wah, wah.
Abra-lamb – You need to get out of your rut, you know, get a grip on your emotions; find out who you are, Then you wouldn’t be afraid to stand up to one ferocious wolf.
Boy – I don’t need to find out who I am, I’m, I’m….
Abra-lamb – (shakes his head) I know a doctor that should be able to help even you. – Dr. Bill pops up for just a moment….
Boy: (Blows his nose) What’s his name?
Abra-lamb – His name is Dr. Bill but be careful, I’ve heard he is a quack.
Boy: Doesn’t he have a TV show? (pause) I don’t know about going to see that Dr. He probably charges a wing and a prayer.
Abra-lamb – I don’t know, he’s not all he’s quacked up to be BUT I heard he gives a small bill. I’ll take you there if you’d like….
R-simon – The boy agreed to see Dr. Bill
Whose office was up, just over the hill.
Though he heard that Bill had some loose screws.
He figured he really had nothing to lose.
Transition:
“Mom” – Are you still awake, Wyatt?
Wyatt – Maybe!
“Mom” – Go to sleep, NOW!
Wyatt – (To audience) I guess I should count some more sheep! Will
you help me?
Lambaba – First verse and 11-16 and a Cow and 17-20
Wyatt lies down to try and sleep but as soon as the show continues, he pops back up!
SCENE FOUR – Dr. Bill’s Office
Abra-lamb – Here you are. Dr. Bill is waiting to see you so I’m going to leave.
Boy – Wah, wah, wah, may as wool!
Abra-lamb – You need more help than I realized. Dr. Bill, this is the boy who’s supposed to cry, “Wolf” but he can’t stop crying long enough to say it.
(Boy Cries)
Dr. Bill – (Yawns) Oh, pardon me (quack). I got up at the quack of dawn (quack). Thank you for going out on a lamb to bring him.(quack)
Abra-lamb – That joke is foul! (Leaves)
Dr. Bill – Why don’t you (quack) make yourself comfortable? (quack)
Boy – How can anyone be comfortable talking to Dr. Bill? You always tell it like it is.
Dr. Bill – True! (quack) I didn’t fall off the turnip wagon.(quack) So, I hear all you do is cry. (quack) How’s that workin’ for ya? (quack)
Boy – Well…It gets me some attention. I’ve got yours, haven’t I?
Dr. Bill – I thought your contract requires that you cry “Wolf” every 24-hours. (quack) Just so you know, (quack) another one of my patients is not happy (quack) that you haven’t given him the opportunity (quack) to be seen in this story. (quack) Up until now, (quack) he’s busting a move working on a movie, (quack) “Dances with Wolves” (quack) but it’s about to wrap up. (quack) (looking through papers.) He’s also got another gig on Old MacDonald’s farm (quack) so he needs you step up (quack) and cry, “Wolf,” so he can get paid on his contract. (quack)
Boy – Who cares about his contract?
Dr. Bill – Do you have stupid written on your forehead? (quack) If you really want to tick off a wolf, (quack) you’ll be fast food at Boy-Fil-la. (quack)
Boy – That’s a good point but I don’t think it’s really my problem.
Dr. Bill – You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. (quack)
Boy – What about hearing my side of the problem?
Dr. Bill – As we say in Texas (quack), No matter how flat you make a contract, it always has two sides. (quack)
Boy – Now, I’m really confused.
Dr. Bill – Don’t worry about it. (quack) I have to say stuff like this because it’s in my contract (quack)……Let’s practice crying, “Wolf” instead of just crying.(quack) On the count of 3 (quack), cry out the word, Wolf! (quack)….Ready? 1, (quack) 2, (quack) 3: (quack)
Boy – (opens mouth but nothing comes out – then cries)
Dr. Bill – You didn’t do it! (quack) You didn’t fool me! (quack) This ain’t my first rodeo, son! (quack)
Boy – Wah, wah, wah! I hate rodeos!
Dr. Bill – Here is my prescription,(quack) I have a list of the things (quack) I want you to do (quack) to help you get over (quack) your fear of crying wolf. (quack) Report back to me (quack) so I can make a record of your progress.(quack)
RSimon – So the boy left, prescription in hand.
He had his doubts it would go as planned.
But he had a contract he needed to keep.
But all he could do is weep, weep and weep (crying)
(end scene)
Transition:
“Mom” – What is that awful quacking sound, Wyatt?
Wyatt – Oh, it’s just my stomach; nothing to worry about.
“Mom” – If you need to take something, do it now! Otherwise, Go To
Sleep!
Wyatt – (To audience) I think she’s getting mad! Let’s try counting
sheep again!
Lambaba – Second verse and 21-30 and a chicken.
Wyatt lies down to try and sleep but as soon as the show continues, he pops back up!
SCENE FIVE – D.W. Merritt Gym
RSimon – The first thing the doctor told the boy to do
Was to gather some help from all of you.
We will count to three and then yell out the cry
It should make shouting ‘wolf’ easy as pie.
Boy – Well…it says here that I should go to DW Merritt and get the kids to help me practice crying, “Wolf”. It also says that I don’t need to worry about crying wolf here because the wolf is still traveling back from his photoshoot. Are you going to help me?
Crowd – Yes!
Boy – OK. Crowd, you show me… 1, 2, 3! (Wyatt helps here)
Crowd – “Wolf”
Add in other animals here.
Boy – (Deep breath) OK, I’ll try. You count to three – 1, 2, 3 Sheep! (Wyatt helps here) (sound)
Boy – I’m such a chicken! (Chicken sound). (Takes a deep breath) Let’s try it again. I’ll count to three and you yell, “Wolf” 1 – 2 – 3! (Wyatt helps here)
Crowd – Wolf!
Boy – Now, I’ve got it! I know it! You guys count to three and I’ll yell wolf!
Crowd – 1, 2, 3 ….(Wyatt helps here)
Boy – Baby deer! Oh, I’m such a failure. Will you help me again? Can you cry wolf for me? 1 – 2 – 3 (Wyatt helps here)
Crowd – Wolf!
Boy – All right! Now you count for me. 1 – 2 – 3 – Water Buffalo! (Wyatt helps here)
This isn’t working; Dr. Bill must really be a quack. On to the next thing on my prescription.
RSimon – So the boy set out to go to the gym
He thought Dr. Bill’s prescription was grim
He approached & doubted
Saw weights and pouted
His mind said success just had to be slim
Abralamb – Come on, Boy! We’re going to work out. You need to get in shape so that when you cry, “wolf,” you can fight off that wolf so you have no need to worry.
Boy – Get in shape? (whine) I don’t have enough energy to get in shape. I don’t think I can do it. (cry, cry)
Abralamb – I have just the motivation for you. Listen to this and you’ll jump right in! (Eye of the Tiger) –
Boy – Oh no, first I’m terrified of wolves and now you add tigers, too. Boo-hoo-hoo
RSimon – So now our poor boy is out of his mind
Terrified the wolf and tiger would dine
On him when he cried out loudly their name
So the boy ran off and hopped on a train.
Transition:
“Mom” – What have you been doing up there? Lifting weights!
Wyatt – No, I was pretending to hunt tigers.
“Mom” – If you don’t get some sleep, you’ll be doing extra chores around
here and won’t have anytime to hunt tigers!
Wyatt – I’m sorry, Mom! (To audience) I’m not really, I’m having too
much fun. Let’s go back to counting sheep! Help me, please!
Lambaba – Second verse and 31-36 and a dog.
Wyatt lies down to try and sleep but as soon as the show continues, he pops back up!
SCENE SIX –
RSimon – The train took the boy to the Dr’s next stop
He got off, and looked and his eyes went pop
Why is he here out in the forest and brushmore
Oh, I see he’s now at Mount Plushmore.
Alamb- I’m glad that Dr. Bill had the foresight to send you out for some
therapy at Mount Plushmore. After all, they were all wonderful
presidents and one of them in particular is lambtastic! (Hail to the chief)
Boy – I don’t understand why Dr. Bill sent me here. There’s nothing here
that can help me with my problem.
Alamb – Well, as usual, I’m one hoof in front of you. I know why you were
sent here.
Boy – You’re probably the only one who does.
Alamb – (clears throat) Let me introduce you to four great men in U.S.
History. The first one is the most important. Here is Abralamb
Lincoln.
Boy – I heard Abralamb was involved in government corruption.
Alamb – No, he’s in-a-cent! (Penny prop)
Boy – That was a cheap one!
Alamb – I’m going to ignore that. Next, we have Teddy Bear Roosevelt.
He was the one who spoke and carried a soft stick.
Boy – (rolling eyes) I believe you mean, he spoke softly and carried a big
stick.
Alamb – Either way, he’s history.
Boy – And you think I need help!
Alamb – Next we have Thomas Heiferson.
Boy – Thomas Heiferson, really? You’ve got to be kidding.
Alamb – Yes, he’s here because he wanted to be seen and not heard. (haha)
Boy – You’re killin’ me!
Alamb – Well, we’ll see. Our last figure on Mount Plushmore is him!
George Wolfington.
Boy – Wolf-ington! Oh No! I’m getting out of here! (cry, cry, cry)
Alamb – That was the last thing on Dr. Bills prescription. I guess I”m
going to have to take matters into my own hooves.
RSimon – So Abralamb decided to make a plan
He needed to fix his contract jam
He brought the boy back to the pasture
He hoped this time to avoid disaster
Transition:
“Mom” – Are you making sheep noises, Wyatt, instead of going to sleep?
Wyatt – No, I think you’re just imagining it!
“Mom” – Well, young man! Imagine being grounded on top of more
chores if you don’t go to sleep!
Wyatt – (To audience) I think she means it. Help me count more sheep!
Lambaba – Second verse and 37-40 (and to the end?)
Wyatt lies down to try and sleep but as soon as the show continues, he pops back up!
SCENE SEVEN
Abralamb – All right, I”m done with trying to baby you, you baby! We’re
going to fix this problem my way.
Boy – Whaaaa
Abralamb to the audience – Listen up, everyone. You are going to help
me fix this boy’s problem once and for all. We’re going to cry wolf
from here in the pasture where I know the wolf will hear us. Ready?
1 2 3 WOLF
Muffin the wolf appears: You called me? Hello! I’m the big bad wolf
and my name is “Muffin”.
(Muffin takes one look at the boy and starts to cry along with the boy.)
Abralamb – What is wrong with you, Muffin?
Muffin – My contract says that I’m supposed to eat the boy but I’m
allergic to boys. Now, I won’t get paid. (boo-hoo-hoo)
Abralamb – That’s it, I’m done! I’m going to talk to the Union and make
sure we get paid in spite of all of this! (Yippie)
Rhyming Simon – So our story will end without a single bite
Our boy and wolf will mingle, not fight
Though the boy will never cry wolf today
All puppets yell horary and beep, beep, I’m a sheep plays.
All contracts are met, you will get paid!
