What to do about this infectious disease

“Man is not, by nature, deserving of all that he wants. When we think that we are automatically entitled to something, that is when we start walking all over others to get it.” 
 ― Criss Jami

I have worked with teens and preteens for over 30 years and part of the reason I have done so successfully is that I listen to them. 

I’m not referring to the times the kids gather around my desk in the morning to share what’s going on in their lives, instead, I listen when they don’t realize I do. 

This is when they are working on something in groups or before the class begins. 

I have heard some very intriguing and even, horrifying conversations and these have given me an edge in meeting them where they are both personally and academically. 

Interestingly, the subjects of most of their conversations have changed little in the years I’ve been teaching. 

The awkwardness and social discomfort have always been present in what they say or don’t say to one another. 

I would not want to relive those years.

I have heard some changes, however, in the kids’ conversations and attitudes through the years that are important to note. 

One of these is that many students passing through my classroom door have an entitled attitude. 

Though kids in their teen years are often narcissistic, in the last decade or more, this self-centeredness permeates much of the kids’ thoughts, speech, and values. 

When my students behave in specific ways, I often reflect on the whys behind their actions and I’m convinced that adult actions, reactions and parenting have modeled and nurtured the kids’ entitled attitudes. 

We have become a society that oozes entitlement and many of our kids have mimicked and adopted our behavior. 

Though people are quick to agree teens harbor this entitled attitude, if we take an honest look, we would find most of us have this attitude, too

Entitlement is “the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment,” (en.oxforddictionaries.com).

To understand this definition let’s take a closer look:

1. The Belief

A “belief” is an acceptance that an idea or thought is true and has many implications. 

A belief is something we accept through experience. When the burner on the stove is red, I believe I can burn myself. 

Things that happen in our childhood can put down roots from which we form our beliefs: 

I believe Jesus is God’s son. 

It is also important to note that a belief does not require proof via the scientific method (or any other method): 

I knew an older gentleman who believed that after cutting off the head of a poisonous snake, warned me not to throw the snake’s body and head away together because, “they could grow back together and it would be alive again.” 

He believed this phenomenon to be true. For all of these points, it is clear that whatever a person accepts as true becomes a belief.

Inherently

This root word, “inherent” has some interesting aspects. There are two main definitions. 

Definition one: The characteristic you have is because of something natural or permanent within.

Definition two: A birthright that one is entitled to.

 Both these definitions can shed some light on our original definition of entitlement. 

Building on the definition of belief, inherent would mean something a person believes because it is naturally and permanently a part of them. 

For example, I believe my skin will burn if I stay out in the sun, unprotected, for too long. 

Using the second definition of inherent, a person believes he can vote and unless he has violated the conditions, because he is an American citizen, he has this inherent right. 

Considering this, the word “inherent” adds an element of certainty in our definition of entitlement.

Deserving

Deserving

The word, deserve, implies the person it describes is someone who is to receive something because of “their actions, qualities, or situation” (Dictionary.com). 

I think it’s important to note here, this “something” can be of the positive nature as well as the negative one. 

When we put this insight into the definition of entitlement, we know, a person believes they will receive something because they deserve it, because of an inheritance of some sort.

Privileges & Special Treatment

Looking further into this word, privilege means there is a “right, immunity or benefit” (Dictionary.com) someone enjoys over and above what others receive. 

If everyone receives a gift at the office Christmas party, one with “privilege” receives a better gift.

If a parent gives chores out to kids in a household, this parent gives the privileged one fewer chores, if any. What is interesting about privilege is it does not specify why these benefits are given to an individual. Special treatment is the fruit of privilege.

(I should note here that “special treatment” has had many horrific connotations in world history. I am not referring to this here. The definition for this “special treatment” deserves its own study; one worthwhile to pursue.)

An Expanded Definition of Entitlement

Entitlement is a belief one has formed, based on experience and perceptions, that this person inherently, whether naturally or by birth, deserves, because of their actions or qualities, and are given privileges, over and above, what others get because they deserve it.

If I am honest, I can see myself in this definition and realizing this make me uncomfortable. It’s one thing to see others’ actions of entitlement, it’s another to see it in yourself.

Why Entitlement is Often Selfish

In light of the expanded definition, if a person has the attitude of entitlement, he/she is focused only on him/herself. There is no room for the consideration of others. 

Yes, there are situations when you are entitled to something such as an inheritance but most cases are self-serving. 

Living or working with someone having this attitude is tiresome and does nothing to improve the relationship.

God and Entitlement

As children of God, He says we are entitled to several things, not because we demand them but because God gives them. 

We may receive eternal life (John 3:16). 

We may be called God’s children (John 1:12). 

We may receive forgiveness if we confess our sins (I John 1:9).

We may be in God’s presence after we die (2 Corinthians 5:8). 

These are only a few of the entitlements God gives us but many of the entitlements we harbor are not.

After honest soul-searching, I discover I have entitled skeletons hidden in the closets of my mind. I see evidence they exist when things don’t go my way; I get frustrated and angry. I often blame these reactions on God.

If someone gets ill or dies it’s easy for me to think, “Why did you allow this, God?” This implies I believe because I am God’s child, I do not deserve this and it should not happen in my life. 

If I cannot conceive a child, I may challenge God because there is a sense of entitlement; I’m supposed to have children if I want them.

I am not implying here there is anything wrong with not desiring illness or death or wanting the “natural” things of life, such as a child. Where this becomes a problem is when we believe we are entitled to these things.

Job 2:10 says in part, “Shall we accept good from God, and not the trouble?” (NIV) It is clear we are not entitled to just the good things of life. Life in this fallen world does not work this way, unlike it was before the events in the Garden of Eden took place.

Current American culture is not the only thing that wrestles with these attitudes of entitlement. In New Testament times, James addressed the manifestations of this in chapter 4:1–3.

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. (NIV)

In James’ day, many of the conflicts God’s children had resulted from the attitudes of entitlement.

If this attitude of entitlement permeates us, is there any hope we can control it? Yes, we can and what’s amazing is the antidote of entitlement is simple.

The Antidote of Entitlement

If you want to keep this formidable enemy of your thoughts and actions at bay, you can do two things.

1. Put God as your priority and others are your second.

Luke 10:27 (NIV) “…Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind and Love your neighbor as yourself.” 

We need to focus on serving God and others first. Making this a priority will help squash the attitude of entitlement.

2. I Thessalonians 5:18 tells us, “In everything give thanks.”

God’s command that we be thankful is not limited to the good things that happen to us, alone; it also includes the bad things. 

Understanding God can use “all things” for our good (Romans 8:28), there is no need of an entitled attitude. No matter what comes our way, God will use it for our good.

It takes true humility to accept the fact we all have the seed of entitlement within. There is hope, we can make the choice to love God and other first and then be grateful for all that comes our way.