“For everyone you create to be dependent on you, you are equally dependent on them. Neither relationship is healthy.”

– Alan Cohen

When my husband and I were first married, I had a flat tire. Fortunately, I wasn’t driving, rather it was something I discovered when I went out to the car to run some errands. I told my husband about it and he got up and followed me outside.

He looked at it and said, “Yup, it’s flat all right. You’ll find the spare in the trunk.”

I stood there looking at him in confusion and said, “Why are you telling me this?”

He looked at me wisely and said, “You need to learn to change a tire yourself so I will talk you through it.”

Indignantly, I said, “Why do I need to learn? If I’m ever on the side of the road, stranded, someone will stop and help me.”

“Yes, someone might stop and that’s what I’m concerned about. You don’t know what kind of person might stop, good or evil.” My husband did not want me to be dependent on a stranger that may cause me harm; dependency can be a bad thing.

Many people use the word, dependency and related words frequently these days. To understand dependency, we need to define it and its closely related words, co-dependency and independence.

Dependency is when a person must rely on someone else to provide for their everyday needs

A baby must rely on someone else. This child cannot meet its own needs and, therefore, must depend on others. Domestic animals are similar in that they thrive (or not) because someone is caring for them.

This dependency is healthy and when it is not present, the child or domestic animal cannot live up to its potential and death could be a legitimate concern.

Codependency is when someone excessively relies on someone or something else to exist day by day.

As a classroom teacher, I have seen psychological and emotional codependency play a huge role in family dynamics, therefore, affecting my classroom. Ironically, it is not the codependency of the child upon the parent that I see the most; it’s the parent codependent on the child. Though I know it is unfair to paint with such a wide brush, I believe many of my codependent parents should be classified in the “helicopter” league. I have often speculated that this unhealthy relationship may exist because these adults are parenting from guilt or fear.

Guilt plays a role in codependency because, in my example, a parent knows he/she has made decisions that have caused upheaval within the family. Keeping the psychological and emotional umbilical cord present helps “fill” the inadequacy hole.

Codependency because of fear can be the subconscious desire to stay 100 percent connected to another to thwart any danger so that this bond will thrive. Codependency, regardless of the cause, is unhealthy for all involved.

Independence is the freedom from the control, influence, support, or the help of others.

When a person grows emotionally, physically, psychologically and even spiritually, independence is a healthy state. As a parent or teacher, our job is to guide and encourage children to become strong, independent people. If you’ve ever met an adult who cannot make everyday decisions and exists solely because of an unhealthy reliance upon another, that is a person you cannot respect. Independence is healthy.

If independence is the goal, how does it factor in when considering spiritual things? Aren’t we, as Christians, urged to be dependent on God? Can this dependency co-exist with being in a healthy, independent state?

The Bible teaches us that we must depend upon God. Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. This verse says that depending solely on our own thinking power is not what a Christian should do. Some Biblical commentators define the Hebrew word for trust,  בָּטח “batach” as having confidence in God. A Christian can independently depend on God. If we have confidence in a product or person, it means that we trust it or them. God wants for us to have confidence in Him. It is this independent reflection and trust that enables a Christian to make the choice to have confidence in and dependence on God. Trust is not the only factor in independently depending on God; there are other choices we must make.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who is not listening to you? You’re trying to convey something that is important and your audience of one is not in your arena? God understands this frustration when He’s trying to communicate with us.  We see this when closely looking at two more words in John 15:5 that address this issue of independent dependence on God. “I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in Me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from Me you can do nothing.”

The word, remain in this verse is the Greek word, μένω “menó” which means to “be present.” God is asking us to be “present” with him. When we’re reading His word, praying or meditating, God yearns for us to be present, not like someone who is there but pays no attention. God wants our focused attention and time. Here is an opportunity to make the independent decision to be present with God; a two-way communication.

The second word in this verse that’s important is, apart. In the verse, this word comes from the Greek word, χωρίς “chóris” meaning to separate. It closely relates to another word, “chora” as found in Mark 10:9, “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” This second word, means, “to place a room or property between” you and another. To separate.

I remember reading years ago of a married couple who lived in the same house for many years. What was interesting (and heartbreaking) was that each lived in separate wings of the house and they rarely crossed paths. Their marriage lasted many years and yet, they were separate.

God does not wish for us to independently choose to be separated from Him (or our spouses, either). We can still have healthy independence by making the choice to remain with God. He yearns to commune with us but doesn’t force it. Any relationship rooted in obligation is unhealthy; it’s our choice that God desires. This is truly amazing because God knows everything about us yet still desires to have a relationship with us. Jeremiah 1:5 tells us that, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.”

Our independent dependency is what God desires.