A Three-step Formula of Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.”
― Corrie Ten Boom

For years, the subject of forgiveness was a sad one for me. It was not because the “wrongs” of my life were so horrendous.

It was because I wanted to forgive but the typical things Christians told me I needed to do, I just did not understand. I would often hear from the pulpit or in my Sunday school room, “You need to give it (the person or circumstance that wronged me) to God so you can forgive.”

My reaction was a one-word lament: How? What does “give it to God” mean? I did not receive an answer.

Because I didn’t feel like the church gave me an explanation I could embrace and work into my life, I turned to other sources, yearning for the formula of how to forgive.

In books I would often find the phrase, Forgive and forget. As I pondered these words, my hope shrank. I wanted to forgive but I could not forget those things that needed my forgiveness.

Because I could not seem to “give it to God” nor “forget, ” I felt like a failure. I believed I was a sorry example of Christianity.

I put this heavy burden of negative self-evaluation on top of my spirit which was already choking on bitterness, anger and resentment toward individuals I knew I needed to forgive.

I spent years trying to find what I needed to understand and incorporate forgiveness in my life. I read. I wrote. I cried. I talked. I listened. I prayed. Despite all these things, forgiveness eluded me.

In the passage of time, I never gave up my search for forgiveness because I knew the roots of bitterness, anger, and resentment would soon take over my heart.

In my quest, my determination grew weaker as the roots of unforgiveness choked me. Just when my heart was on the brink of suffocation, I finally understood what it means to forgive.

Forgiveness personified

I was fortunate to have grown up immersed in the Bible. I loved Sunday school and vacation Bible school. I saw the people of the Bible, not as extraordinary heroes but as human beings, struggling with things to which I could often relate.

In my struggle to find how to forgive, I found comfort in these historic people who also needed to forgive and one day, I studied the life of Joseph in the book of Genesis, chapters 37-50.

If anyone needed to understand and incorporate forgiveness, it was this man.

Though Joseph was the favorite son of Jacob, he suffered the heartache of mistreatment many times. Joseph’s own brothers, seething with jealousy, threw him in a well, planning to kill him but then sold him as a slave.

These slave traders took him to Egypt, where they sold him to a powerful man names Potiphar. Joseph went from being the favorite son of his father to being owned by a stranger.

Later, Potiphar’s wife lied about him and told her husband Joseph attempted to rape her. Joseph found himself in jail, labeled as a rapist.

I have considered how I would have felt after my siblings had sold me as a slave and then my boss’s wife falsely accused me and sent to prison. I would be angry, bitter, and resentful, among many other negative emotions.

I would also feel justified in these. I do not know exactly how Joseph felt in these situations, but I know he found what he needed to forgive.

Through faithful service and dedication, the pharaoh miraculously raises Joseph from prison and he becomes the second most powerful man in Egypt.

The pharaoh gives Joseph the job of overseeing the food supply of the entire land and because of Joseph’s wisdom and insight (given him by God), the people of the known world had a source of food during a seven-year period of severe famine.

While on this job, Joseph sees his brothers who wronged him so many years ago and when he reveals to them who his is, I found the key to how Joseph could forgive; it’s all about choice or an act of the will.

 The words that emancipated my heart are found in Genesis 50:20 (NIV) “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

1. The first step toward forgiveness is to acknowledge that someone made the choice to wrong me.

Joseph said in the first part of verse 20, “You intended to harm me.” The word, intended, is the Hebrew word, חָשַׁב (chashab) which adds many colors to our one word, but blended together, it means, to weave.

The implication here is that Joseph saw the design of what his brothers wove in their plot against him.

In using this word, Joseph reflected on the woven design of hatred and contempt of his brothers and did not sugarcoat his words. he came right out with it.

“You did this to me. You planned it. You wove it. It was wrong. It should not have happened.”

The first step toward forgiveness is in acknowledging what someone has done to harm me. There are no excuses, no justifications.

You did it and it hurt me. If I were to make excuses for how you treated me or make light of something that deeply wounded me, it would be like picking a dandelion and hoping it will eliminate the weed.

If I don’t dig down to the root of the damage a person has made in my heart, the freedom of forgiveness stays elusive.

Verbalizing the “harm” another has done, even if it has to be in writing, helps defuse our hurt feelings. It’s like you are literally giving these feelings a voice. It makes no difference how the offender reacts, there is healing in speaking up.

Joseph took the first step toward forgiveness, but he does not stop there. Many of us get stuck in the first step. We can focus on the wound but keep pulling off the scab trying to form so we can heal.

This choice will poison your life. Anger and resentment permeate all thoughts and actions. Joseph did not choose this thought pattern. He did not keep a running “score” of peoples’ infractions against him.

2. The second step toward forgiveness is to change your thought process.

In Genesis 50:20, Joseph gives us the second step in his formula for forgiveness. After he acknowledges his brothers’ intent, Joseph says, “but God meant it…”

This word, meant, is the same Hebrew word, חָשַׁב (chashab) that is translated, intended in the first part of the verse.

In the brothers’ woven design against him, Joseph recognized that God chose not to usurp their actions. He framed this thought in knowing that though God did not instigate the pattern woven against Joseph, he allowed it.

As Christians, the second step toward forgiveness is in recognizing God can choose to intervene when some evil is woven against us, but at other times, he chooses to allows it. 

Joseph had the faith and foresight to acknowledge God looked at the pattern his brothers wove against him and saw something else.

Joseph did not know what God saw, but he based his thinking patterns upon knowing that there are other ways to view the situation.

The second step toward forgiveness is choosing to change your thinking process. You can control the fixation you have on the wrongs someone has done to you.

You can control what you think about and you can choose to “change the subject” in your mind. Joseph chose to think about the fact that God looks at patterns woven against him from a different perspective.

This step is difficult if your view of God is not in line with what the Bible reveals about him. If you see God as a heartless, uninterested being, this step would be detrimental.

We have a tendency to taint our view of God based on the patterns we have seen others weave against us. This is not the biblical pattern of who God is.

To forgive, we must have faith God is who the Bible describes. He is just, merciful, patient, forgiving, and much more.

Hebrews 11:22 tells us Joseph was a man of faith and he acknowledged God’s view of this woven pattern would be different. Joseph’s faith was not blind faith because there is one more component of forgiveness Joseph clung to.

3. The third step of forgiveness is in the acknowledgment that God allows bad things to happen for good.

A person cannot make this third step toward forgiveness without faith. Joseph told his brothers in Genesis 50, that they wove an evil pattern against him, and that God allowed it.

God had a different view of the pattern and finally, God allowed the brothers to weave this pattern for an unknown good.

I’ll admit this step is very difficult. When I’m amid suffering from the weaving of someone’s evil intent toward me or in the weaving of awful circumstances, such as illness or natural destruction, I have to trust God enough that he sees a good pattern in what others have woven against me or in my situation.

I acknowledge this pattern of weaving has hurt me, God allowed it and that reason involves the ultimate good. I may not know what this good may be, but it was enough for Joseph and this allowed him to forgive.

Practical examples of these three steps for forgiveness

Example one: Your daughter’s friends mistreat her.

As a parent, I see my daughter is being mistreated by her friends. Sometimes, I might intervene but at other times, I must step back and let the weaving against her play out because I have my daughter’s good in mind.

I know she needs to learn to deal with conflict and as she walks through these steps, I can use this teachable moment to guide her so in future relationships, she will know how to handle them.

From the daughter’s perspective, she knows you could put a stop to the pattern being woven against her but, because she knows you love her and want what’s best for her, you do not intervene.

She can handle the difficulty, knowing this and that you will give her guidance when she asks.

Example two: I lose my job because someone lied about me.

The first step toward forgiveness is I acknowledge that this person wove a pattern of wrong against me. It should not have happened.

Next, I take control of my thoughts, not allowing a “free for all” of rehashing and/or revenge. Instead, I make the choice of looking at the pattern from God’s perspective. He allowed it for a reason.

Third, God has allowed someone to weave this evil pattern against me and he promises to make it good. Romans 8:28 (NIV), “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.”

This good might include giving me a better job or building within me a stamina I will need sometime in the future. This good may also be that God wants to help me incorporate a pattern of trust and forgiveness.

There’s also the idea that I may not know what the good is, but it’s enough for me to know God is acting on my behalf.

When I take these three steps, it allows me to let go of my anger, bitterness and resentment towards another. It gives me back my freedom and weaves a new pattern within my life that others can look at and desire to emulate.