Bad things happen to everyone. Sooner or later, you’ll wake up to a day that will change your life forever. It may be a death in the family, a grim diagnosis, a secret uncovered. When I see others in these situations, I sometimes chuckle, as if to say, “Why are you surprised this has happened?” I know, it’s easy for me to say. I admit it, when it’s my turn, I often react the same way I see others. When the bad, difficult, uncertain or even unsettling things of life happen, there are some responses that will not help you in the long run.
1. Quick reaction
This kind of response I see as a classroom teacher on both the middle and high school levels. Something happens and boom, there is a reaction. The time interval is undetectable. It isn’t the reaction that is unhelpful, rather, it is the action often following that cause problems.
On a teen’s level, if you’re called a name, you respond by throwing one back. Someone shouts at you, you will often shout back. A so-called friend (and I use the term, “so-called” because teens have a difficult time determining who is their real friend and who is not), does you wrong, revenge is the quick response.
If we adults are honest, sometimes we have the same quick reaction to the negative things we experience. When someone cuts us off in traffic, road rage takes over in a split second. Someone in customer service is a little edgy with us, we throw back a verbal dart or two. Somebody spreads a rumor about us and we discover it, a quick response would be to spread negative things about them. None of these actions and attitudes are helpful and more often than not, make things worse.
2. “Why me?”
Another unhelpful reaction and attitude concerning the negatives of life is putting on the hat that says, “victim”.
A victim is someone who is blameless in the negative situation. This is one who has suffered genuine destruction, injury or has been deceived or cheated. They have no ownership in what has happened; they are innocent. The problem arises when someone holds onto this hat, instead of pursuing the needed healing or when someone wears the victim hat when they hold much of the responsibility in the negative situation. Both stem from the unhealthy roots of why me?
When someone deliberately wrongs you; this is never ok. To heal, one must first acknowledge the hurt but when a person clings to the hat labeled, victim, and uses it as an excuse for not moving forward, it is an unhelpful attitude. Adopting and clinging to the victim attitude can prevent motivation, drive and healing; one leading to a dead end.
3. Blame game
Sometimes we ourselves have created situations that have a negative outcome. Blaming someone else for our actions (or inactions) is not helpful. Even if there
is truth in passing the baton of responsibility to another, it does not help the situation you find yourself. You can stand up in righteous indignation and this will change the situation. The problem is 99% of the time, the blame game makes things worse.
So, if quick reactions of, “why me” and the blame game attitudes don’t help in the negatives in life, what does?
Thoughtful actions rather than swift reactions can turn a negative situation around.
Proverbs 15:1 gives some sage advice. “A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.” You have control of how you react and what you say, but it takes practice to learn how to step back. In a heated confrontation or when life swings tragedy your way, mindful reaction and processing will serve you well.
Cato said, “I begin to speak only when I’m certain what I’ll say isn’t better left unsaid.”
There have been so many times I have reacted to something that comes my way rather than embracing mindfulness, processing the situation first and then setting out on a plan of action. Thoughtful attitudes and resulting actions are a much better way to respond to the negatives of life.
You can change the, “Why me” thoughts when you embrace a different perspective.
Bad things will come our way. It’s a fact. Another fact is, I can choose not to be a victim in whatever circumstances I encounter. The Old Testament character, Job, lost his livestock, servants, sons, daughters and his health; he experienced wave upon wave of horrible things. Job took the time to process these things but then decided that victim was not the hat he would wear. He said to his wife in chapter 2:10, “… Shall we accept good from God and not the trouble?” It was this attitude that gave Job the ability to complete the rest of the verse, “In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.” Making the choice to avoid asking, “why me?” and being a victim is a helpful attitude when bad things come our way.
Taking responsibility for the things we contributed toward the negative outcome we’re experiencing is helpful.
I am NOT stating when bad things come your way, you are always responsible for them. What I AM saying is, we can control our reaction to them. We can blame anyone for the difficulties we experience but this does not change the experience for the better; it only adds to the bad. The responsible thing we can do is to adopt the attitude that playing the blame game is a losing one and refuse to play it.
Stephen Covey said, “I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my (attitude).”
He understands what Proverbs 23:7 states, “As a man thinks in his heart, so he is.” We become the attitudes we embrace.
The equation of a good attitude:
“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not in the uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own.” Epictetus
Circumstances are often not in our control but our actions and reactions are. How we choose to act/react will bring about either positive or negative results. We decide what our attitude will be.
