Can you distinguish between a mistake (m) and a poor choice(pc)?
Take this 10-question quiz.
Okay, okay…some of these situations and my answers you can debate but, setting that aside, look through the list again and see if you can identify the one major difference between mistakes and poor choices. Give up? The one major difference between mistakes and poor choices is intent. A mistake is unintentional and a poor choice is deliberate (even if the action is reflexive). It is a mistake if I pick up the wrong candy bar; I make a poor choice by stealing the candy bar.
- Mistakes free you from self-imposed guilt; poor choices require ownership and responsibility.
When I was 16, I witnessed a scene that left a lasting impression. I was with a group of teenagers and adults on a summer mission trip. Our ministry included public singing and because we had a leader
that was an accomplished guitarist, many groups invited us to sing. One day, I was talking with another leader and he suddenly stepped back and his foot accidentally landed on the guitar. The sound of a crack echoed in the room and I stood frozen, fearing the repercussions of this leader’s action. I watched as he left the room to inform the guitar’s owner of what happened and to apologize. Later in the day, I asked him how he refrained from beating himself up with guilt for what he did. His answer was, “It was a mistake; an accident. I apologized for it and made it right with her and now, I’ve moved on.” His ability to let the incident go within himself amazed me. He did not allow the guilt from his mistake to take hold of his heart. I sought the guitar owner and asked her about the incident. She, too, said that it was a mistake and she forgave him and it was over. Though mistakes may still require restitution, guilt should not be part of the payment. *
I do not know if the guy who accidentally stepped on the guitar paid for the damage, that was between the two people involved. I know that had the same incident occurred and the “guilty” one had hidden the guitar and not owned his mistake; the action becomes a poor choice.
* I want to make a distinction here by noting that many forms of negligence are unintentional. That we unintentionally were negligent does not negate the consequences of our actions or inactions. We should replace guilt in this situation with knowledge and when we learn better, we need to do better. Period.
- Mistakes do not carry with them selfish motivations; poor choices do.
When we scrutinize someone’s actions, searching for motivation and intent, we get into murky waters. The motives of other people’s words and actions are not clear-cut. We cannot get into the hearts and minds of others and know what precipitated their actions, but we CAN with our own. We are the only person who can know our motivations, even though, sometimes, this can be unclear to ourselves. Analyzing our poor choices will often reveal selfish motivations. This alone will set barriers up in our relationship with others.
The Bible is clear that God knows our hearts and the intentions behind our actions. The second half of Kings 8:39 (NLT) says, “Give your people what their actions deserve, for you alone know each human heart.”
I Chronicles 28:9 (NLT) tells us that, “the Lord sees every heart and knows every plan and thought”. God knows our motivations and the intent of our actions; therefore, we must look within ourselves and weigh our choices. Once I identify a poor choice, I must take responsibility for my actions, to God and to those I have wronged.
- If we attribute a mistake to a poor choice, we put our relationships in jeopardy.
It is not uncommon for a person to apologize for his or her actions but when this person equates what he or she did with a mistake, it communicates that you are not taking ownership of a poor choice. Mistakes are unintentional, poor choices are not.
Imagine if a wife loses her temper with her husband because she’s tired of picking up after him all day. She says some harsh words to him and storms out of the room.
Later, she feels bad for what she said and did. She’s still not happy about the situation but realizes that she did not handle the situation well. She approaches her husband and says, “I made a mistake earlier by using harsh words with you that were over the top. I’m sorry.”
Let’s think about what the wife is really saying here. “I had no control over my mouth and the mind that makes it work. I’m sorry but, it’s not my fault.” Labeling a poor choice as a mistake will not bring healing to the situation, it’s merely a bandage, at best.
We need to get in a habit of testing our actions. We need to reflect on our intent; was our action a mistake or a poor choice? This is the only way that relationships can heal.
